Wednesday, March 18th
Day one with the three year old was absolutely terrible. I hate this.
I am scared. I am stressed. I’m not being a good parent. I’m yelling a lot. The news isn’t helping.
He is not cooperating on any level. I had a plan and he’s not having any of it.
Even our walk was a disaster with him sitting down in the middle of it and refusing to move followed by a screaming, biting, hitting tantrum. I carried him for a block while he kicked and screamed. One other neighbor was out – watching us of course. I about died of humiliation.
For the record, this is NOT the way he normally acts. I’m sure he’s picking up on our stress.
There have been lots of tears and I’m ready to give up. Right now I don’t care if he watches Toy Story 4 from dusk till dawn on repeat with handfuls of graham crackers as sustenance.
I’m having a pity party for myself today. Really, I’m not kidding. I hate this. I want to eat a bag of Oreos and binge watch Grey’s Anatomy.
Let me back up
Although I’ve been extremely concerned about what’s going on, I’ve had some high hopes about our forced time together as a family. I made the final choice to bring him home. This is my decision, and my doing. It’s been clear this was coming – and I expect it to get much worse before it gets better – but I thought this would bring some really great one-on-one time with my son. I found a very quick and easy FREE preschool curriculum that takes about five minutes to do every day. I envisioned him happily drawing with chalk on our driveway and planting beans with his papa. I figured I’d limit his screen time and we’d be together a lot. Reading, doing PlayDoh and building with legos. I thought he’d love all the extra attention. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew I’d need to be flexible. I knew I was going to have to give up all of my freedom to pay attention to him. But this was an utter disaster and complete deviation from my expectations.
My husband’s place of work has finally announced their closure, but since he’s in IT, he doesn’t get to be at home. (Just great. I wasn’t supposed to have to do this alone.) There’s a lot of back work they need to do; updates to run, people to get set up to work from home, things that have been overlooked in their very busy 2019. So, he’s at work.
My poor customers. I don’t know what order they’ve reached out to me but so many are either shortening their hours or closing completely. My heart hurts for them.
My etsy sales have come to a screeching halt.
This has to get better. I am going to have to figure out a better plan for the day and how to handle all of these changes at once. I suspect I need to limit my time on social media soaking in the news. I’ve spent more time on Facebook in the last week than I have all the rest of the year combined. I don’t really care for Facebook in the first place but it’s like watching a train wreck. I just can’t look away.
I am not a happy person if I have nothing to do. It makes me very cranky – ask my husband. I am one of those who plans my day and reviews it in the morning so I can get the most stuff done. (Virgo trait maybe?) I like to feel like I’m accomplishing things. I like a plan to my day The idea of an entire uninterrupted day in front of Netflix may appeal to some but it makes me twitchy. I couldn’t do it.
This graphic was on Facebook. It’s not mine, but it kinda represents what I’m feeling.
I bet some of you are laughing thinking that I’m one of those parents who doesn’t have any idea how rotten her kid really is. Possible? No, because I’ve been very clear with our preschool leader and anyone who “sits” him to let me know if there are any problems so I can fix them on this end. When he stays with grandma or other sitters, they tell me he was perfect. He’s generally a typical noisy three year old. Loud, energized, and full of curiosity. Not a resistant, screaming, brat.
Take a breath
I need to be grateful here and start counting my blessings. My husband is still working. He hasn’t been laid off and he’s not having to dip into his sick time. We are all healthy. No one in my extended family is sick. There are no current worries about money. We all love each other and being stuck together in the same house is not an issue. Going outside is still an option. The weather is getting nicer. (Asparagus is coming!) We’re going to have time to do a larger garden this year. We still have all of our creature comforts. The library may be closed but all of their digital resources are available; namely ebooks and audiobooks. And my husband is going to have some time to brew some beer! …though who can share it with him is questionable with the social distancing requirements.
I don’t talk about my faith in public very often, but I think this is a time to mention it and I need to lean into it a bit more here. Prayer is something I belive in and I’ve been doing a lot of it lately – our whole family has. The people who ARE sick and ARE out there working, need all the support they can get. More than just healthcare workers: truckers and trash men, grocery clerks and delivery people. This is a great way to support them, but also get my mind off how hard this is and be grateful for what I do have.
Thanks for sticking with me so far! It’s bound to get better from here.