Thursday, March 19th
Last night, I woke up during the darkest part of the night with the most suffocating, unbearable sense of dread. It was terrifying.
My husband has been sleeping in the guest room (because we both need some good sleep, not because of any problems) so he wasn’t next to me to reach out to. I laid there, almost afraid to move. Never have I ever felt anything like this. it felt like I was falling, but I was awake. Couldn’t breathe. Was dizzy. I almost went to my husband, but instead, I prayed for it to stop and for me to get a sense of control. (He needs his sleep too.) I managed to fall back to sleep, but it was not a restful night.
This morning, when I woke, I threw on some clothes, pulled my hair into a ponytail and headed to the basement to where he was. I went straight to his arms and just let him hold me.
A little later, I found the following article that seemed well timed for me this morning: Coronavirus: How to protect your mental health
Today was slightly better than yesterday.
Yesterday was bad. Today went a bit better.
Two reasons, I think; first, I’ve let my high expectations way down. I’m not going to force a schedule. We are just going to see what happens for a bit. Maybe I’ll tighten up a bit more down the line – I’m loosening way up on the rigidity and we’re going to see what feels natural.
Second, my husband is now working from home. We talked it over for a long time last night and we feel it is the right thing to do. The safest thing. So, he’s here – even if he’s completely preoccupied. If I have a meltdown, he can rescue me. To have him here is a huge sense of security for me. Those of you out there alone, you need to find some support. I don’t think this is going to get any easier in the next few weeks.
The weather was also a sunny, gorgeous 70+ degrees outside. That will lift anyone’s spirits – especially after the massive amounts of drab gray days we’ve had in a row.
What else happened today?
I cleaned the kitchen early on in the day. Well, most of it anyway. The counters are the way I like them with nothing on them. The floors are swept and crumbless (anyone with kids knows how rare this is) and the stove is wiped down and the crusted on food spills are gone. It’s neat and clean. 🙂
I made banana bread. HERE is the recipe. I haven’t done this in years. It made the house smell wonderful and I salvaged two bananas that were about to hit the trash. It’s delicious.
I set up a kindle tablet for our son to use. There are a lot of great free resources out there – even for three year old stage. And, completely curated by me, so nothing icky gets to him.
I am exhausted. I realized at some point how very, very tired I am. I fell asleep in the front room sitting in a chair while the other two went out and played in the front yard after dinner. No doubt the stress and worries (and last night) taking its toll.
In the news today:
- Italy has surpassed China’s daily death toll. The videos from Italians make me cry. I do not want this here.
- The $1,000 stimulus check from Trump is all over the news.
- Our city has closed all of its buildings, including the zoo, with the exception of golf courses, parks and trails.
- Our local university is closing all on-campus housing and sending the students home.
- Feeding the kids who aren’t in school seems to be a pretty hot topic online today. (School buildings are closed for the rest of the year.)
- And, lastly, as expected, they’re talking a lot about the test kit shortage in Kansas… and everywhere else.
It’s going to be okay.